The Pompous Jackass List

If I had to list every car that a pompous jackass drove in alphabetical order, I’d need a book with as many pages as the dictionary to even get half of them recorded on paper. That is why I’m going to provide you with a shorter, revised list of only the most pompous of the pompous jackass cars. Let’s start this off with a bang, shall we?

1.  BMW Z4

mmm, manscape and a hipster beer

 

How many times have you seen a fat business man wearing a Bluetooth step out of one these? Literally every time you’ve seen one? This pompous jackass car exudes smug like it’s some sort of pollutant. At every stoplight, he fixes his sunglasses and Bluetooth and looks around so people can see. Every time he parks, he looks around so people know how awesome he is. This, ladies and gentleman, is Mr. Pompous Jackass in his BMW Z4, which, not to mention, is a pretty girly car for a big, tough businessman. Ha!

2.  Mercedes SL-500

Mercedes Benz SL500
Roof down, windshield sun shade up? Brilliant!

 

If I had a nickel for every time I wanted to slap the hell out of a person getting out of one of these, I’d have enough nickels to stand in front of a Coca-Cola machine and purchase drinks at an alarmingly slow pace, all while people stand behind me and say, “Where the hell did this guy get all these nickels from?” Yeah, that’s how many. This is another smug businessman vehicle, but you can also catch regular rich folk stepping out of one these if you’re unfortunate enough. Usually in black or silver, this pompous jackass car likes to go zero to jackass in just under a second from stoplight to stoplight, flooring it like he’s in a race to get to the next red. Also observed is the convertible top going down at the red light, but the pompous jackass car doesn’t move until it has completed its transition from roof to no roof. Asshole.

3.  Ford F-350

Ford F350 Super Duty
Breaker 1-9.  The Bandit needs some Viagra

This slow atrocity loves to go fast and switch lanes without signaling, despite being nearly useless as an everyday vehicle. Unless you’re a construction worker or New York Used Cars dealer or something, you absolutely do not need to get 10 mpg and fly around like this truck is actually fast or cool. It’s not. It’s ugly, expensive, loud for some reason and offers barely any cargo room, unless you like leaving your crap on the back to fly off when you’re on the freeway. This pompous jackass vehicle comes with drivers of all shapes and sizes, but they will also be driving their big, stupid truck in an aggressive manner to compensate for something missing. You know what I’m talkin’ about.

4.  Chevrolet Corvette

Chevrolet Corvette
I am more important. Admit it.

Now, before you call me names, let me be the first to say that I absolutely love the Corvette and always have. It’s fast, gorgeous and is a supercar that is actually quite affordable (compared to others in its performance range). But, unfortunately, these positive characteristics make it a target by pompous jackasses worldwide. So, it pains me to say that the Corvette is among the highest levels of pompous “jackassness” out of any car on the market today. One strange thing about this pompous jackass car is that the people driving them don’t do a tick over the speed limit, don’t race, don’t drive aggressively and sure as hell like to go maddeningly slow in the left lane. And that is why you’re a pompous ass. At least go 75 mph like a normal person. Sheesh.

5.  Smart Car

Smart
Newton was an effete snob.

“Hey, did you know I’m helping the environment? Look at me! I’m doing my part alright!” Is that right, pompous jackass? Good for you. Does anyone care? Not even a little bit. The smug is so high in this vehicle that they should have a smug filter inside so people don’t vomit from smug exposure. You’d think a person who bought one of these would have a little more humility, but no, they just like to ramble on about how other people don’t care about the environment while they sit atop their pedestal, speaking down to people. Get back in your toy car and drive off a cliff, that’ll save us all from hearing your bull. Pompous jackass vehicle? Indeed.

There we go. That’s only five of the most pompous of the pompous jackass vehicles, but you get the idea. I’m sure you can think of at least 100 more. I’m right. I know it.

Curdled Milk

How to turn a chick magnet into a Kent Dorfman mobile. (Or, never let your girlfriend/wife/concubine choose your midlife crisis sports car).

Does Tom Cruise Know You That You Raid His Wardrobe?

White?  Really? Now your voluptuous sports car curves make you look like a suppository. Chicks will climb over each other. To get the hell away.

Pierce Brosnan you’re not

“Urban Green”?  More like dog barf green, or split pea soup (which is worse in my book).

What the fuck were you people thinking?  Sports cars exist only to make women want to give you hand jobs.   Not to tell the world “I lack the balls to chose a color” or “I am a fucking moron, so I grabbed three crayons and this is the color they made together”  Turn in your man card.