Doesn’t everybody let their gas tank ride shotgun?
You thought this was a good idea?
|the one car that makes a Citation look good|
|Please turn away, before I turn to stone|
Here is the short list:
- that face. What is it, a Pontiac Phoenix (the Nova kind)? A Chevy Malibu? When the difference between corporate siblings is the angle of the fiberglass or the random presence of a grille splitter, you’re not really setting yourself apart.
- “A pair of humpbacks.” “Humpback? People?” My Dad assumed that the amorphous profile and rear was the product of more extensive R&D than a traditional sedan. Not hardly, Dad. This profile worked on the X bodies because it was integrated with the rest of the car and not simply a “let’s slope the ass for a couple of these” type of decision.
- Taillights. At least the Buick version tweaked both ends so it did not look like Frankenstein meets the parts bin
- Trunk? This profile screams hatchback.
- Fixed rear windows? Go fuck yourself.
- Olds and Buick instead of Pontiac and Chevy? What the fuck, GM? You take a radical reshaping of your bread and butter profit center sedans and give the craziest changes to the most stodgy and conservative buyers and you expect to succeed? Really.
Just say no to drugs. I think that is the lesson here.
Wait. There was a Superbowl today? Why the hell am I hunting Pintos behind bars?
Some weeks in Phoenix make you want to gouge your eyes out with forks. Today’s villain: the 1978 Oldsmobile Cutlass Salon.
|It is alive (No, not Sgt. Hulka)|
GM’s answer to the age old question: how much DO we hate our dealers? The good news is that they only produced about 17 of them before switching to the tolerable, conventional-looking notchback sedan. The corresponding bad news? All of the survivors appear to be located in Tempe, fouling my commute.
The irony here? I could not catch up to this turtle.*
*Thanks, Dept of Public Works, for the construction bottleneck. On an open road, I could toast this guy in first gear with the parking brake on.
Driver’s ed in the 80s:
What is the most kick ass vehicle in this picture?
- The 1981 Oldsmobile Cutlass Supreme? At least it has a vinyl roof
- The 1980-82 Ford Thunderbird? It could use a kick in the ass to mute its fugliness.
- One of the 2 1980 Mustangs?
- One of the 2 1980 Olds Omegas (the shitty 4 cyl X-bodied ones, not the 350 V8 Nova clone I drag raced in my drivers ed)
- One of the two undisguised Fairmonts (it’s hard to see the wagon behind the sedan)? [Undisguised, as opposed to the Fairmont Mustang and Fairmont T-bird]
NO, none of these. The coolest vehicle is the Puch moped in front of the ticket booth to the football field in the background. It is very likely the fastest vehicle as well.
No Pintos? How the hell can I master parallel parking without the all glass hatch to cheat with?