Discount Cab 735, 9 a.m. Thomas and 16th St.: Hmmm… I am a male in desperate need of enhancement, but this cell phone call to 1-900-be-an-ass has left me feeling empowered despite my other shortcomings.
Traffic: Hey look! We’re all backed up.
Discount Cab 735: This looks like a job for someone whose brain requires enhancement too. That’s me!!
*cuts off harmless commuter in red Mustang in the inside lane*
Person on the other end of the phone call: Whatever, dude. $3.99 per minute.
Mustang: *death glare. Searches for F3 button to invoke gargoyle and blood runes.*
Discount Cab 735: Oh this is boring. I’ll just meander back into my original lane.
Mustang: *sees cop blocking inside lane*
Mustang: *sees break in front of Discount Cab 735* he’s a professional. He will let me in since he’s seen the cop. He’s STILL yakking on his cell phone, so he cannot be in a big hurry.
Discount Cab 735: That’s what you think. CVS says my Viagra Rx is ready, and the 4-H is in town. Barnyard animals are notoriously impatient.
*cuts off Mustang changing lanes to avoid cop, in order to putter down Thomas at 24 mph.*
Mustang: *searches for RPG in glove box. Item not found*
Rest of planet: but wait, Dr. G. She is ahead of you.
Dr. G: What’s your point? It’s not 1980 Mustang 255 vs. Honda Civic.
OK, so if you want to get all technical, I did get briefly 1/2 beat out-accelerated by a Prius. Here is why it’s still a kill:
- I stopped accelerating somewhere around the speed limit. She didn’t.
- I spun my tires at the start, which was taken up as a challenge; I wasn’t really trying, and I sort of toyed with her. She’s the one that wanted to race, so I let her think she won. (Also, there is usually a cycle cop around there – you go ahead and flush him out, miss)
- I beat her to the next light anyway.
If you ain’t first, you’re last – Ricky Bobby
So there. Suck it, 7 year old Prius.