Profiles in Shit

Taxi Prius, being an asshole

Discount Cab 735, 9 a.m.  Thomas and 16th St.:  Hmmm… I am a male in desperate need of enhancement, but this cell phone call to 1-900-be-an-ass has left me feeling empowered despite my other shortcomings.

Traffic:  Hey look!  We’re all backed up.

Discount Cab 735:  This looks like a job for someone whose brain requires enhancement too.  That’s me!!

*cuts off harmless commuter in red Mustang in the inside lane*

Person on the other end of the phone call:  Whatever, dude.  $3.99 per minute.

Mustang:  *death glare.  Searches for F3 button to invoke gargoyle and blood runes.*

Discount Cab 735:  Oh this is boring.  I’ll just meander back into my original lane.

Mustang:  *sees cop blocking inside lane*

Mustang:  *sees break in front of Discount Cab 735*  he’s a professional.  He will let me in since he’s seen the cop.  He’s STILL yakking on his cell phone, so he cannot be in a big hurry.

Discount Cab 735:  That’s what you think.  CVS says my Viagra Rx is ready, and the 4-H is in town.  Barnyard animals are notoriously impatient.

*cuts off Mustang changing lanes to avoid cop, in order to putter down Thomas at 24 mph.*

Mustang:  *searches for RPG in glove box.  Item not found*

Kill or be killed

In our last episode, the Mustang of Destiny had obliterated the signature vehicle of the New Chrysler corporation: The Dodge Ram 1500 (15 more hp, supposedly). Yesterday, victim no. 2

Rest of planet: but wait, Dr. G. She is ahead of you.
Dr. G: What’s your point? It’s not 1980 Mustang 255 vs. Honda Civic.

OK, so if you want to get all technical, I did get briefly 1/2 beat out-accelerated by a Prius. Here is why it’s still a kill:

  • I stopped accelerating somewhere around the speed limit. She didn’t.
  • I spun my tires at the start, which was taken up as a challenge; I wasn’t really trying, and I sort of toyed with her. She’s the one that wanted to race, so I let her think she won. (Also, there is usually a cycle cop around there – you go ahead and flush him out, miss)
  • I beat her to the next light anyway.

If you ain’t first, you’re last – Ricky Bobby

So there. Suck it, 7 year old Prius.