2017 Cadillac XT5: The Standard of Hill Street

2017 Cadillac XT5
In this test, the “hill|” part was more real than the “street” part.

This is the 2017 Cadillac XT5. It’s the best Chevrolet Equinox Ever. EVER.

Where I saw one: On a forest road in Arizona and all over Ahwatukee. [Ed.: They have EVERYTHING there! [/s]]

Worthiness: Spendy – $51,180 MSRP (with options). That’s if this is a “Luxury” with options, rather than a “Premium Luxury” or a “Platinum.”

Nostalgia Value: 0/10 Too new. We made great memories in it, though. Ask me again in 10 years.

Awesomeness: 6/10

Baseline: 0, since I never personally drove it. -10 because Dave wouldn’t let me. +10 because that was probably smart on his part. +15 because the shotgun seat was nice. +5 for seat heaters in front for Mrs. Dave. -10 because whoever ordered it left off rear seat heaters. -1000 for me living in Arizona and whining about the lack of rear seat heaters.

+10 for the front end looking like a Cadillac. -10 for looking like a generic Chevy SUV under the grille. +10 for a super short front overhang. -15 for the sub-fascia cladding that completely eliminates any approach angle advantage of the short overhang.

2017 Cadillac XT5 bump
Real off-roaders measure flex in terms of suspension travel. In response to the little scallop on the left, flex means how bendy is the plastic cladding. (We’re not talking about anything else that may have bottomed out. Nope. Nothing to see here. *whistles*)

+310 for theoretically available horsepower. -200 because it feels like 110 when you floor it. +8 for the gears in the transmission. -8 for its reluctance to downshift when floored. -800 for that stupid shifter that took Dave a weekend to master. PRNDM in a line is better. It just is. But noooo, XT5 has

ELECTRONIC PRECISION SHIFT[!]

Smoother shifting. The XT5 utilizes a shifter with Electronic Precision Shift technology, a joystick-like evolution of the traditional center console shifter. It allows you to go from Park to Drive in one quick motion for a sportier driving experience.

Hey Cadillac? It wasn’t smoother. It wasn’t sportier. There was no joy. Also, Dave couldn’t find the paddle shifters. “M” mode would have made a lot more sense that way. Also, the parking brake is dumb, -10.

+10 for the giant screen and navi. -1 because navi is hard to program on the fly (by the passenger). [Maybe it was Dave’s driving.] +16 for the Bose 14 speaker stereo we used to listen to a far away Tejano station on AM. Lack of a knob for fan or volume or station? -30. Car and Driver bullshit factor: +1706.

So there you have it. I fell asleep in the shotgun throne, but I also cut my fingers on cheap plastic edging in the door grab. Wait for version 1.5 in about 2020.

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