Exported From Detroit

Chrysler 200
I’m the one who knocks – Heisenberg the suspension, while playing “Curbhunter.”

This is the 2013 Chrysler 200.  It was supposed to be a “Hyundai Accent or similar.”  No one in Kalamazoo wanted to rent out a convertible, so it was “what’s cheapest?”  Then, I got an upgrade, because this is Kalamazoo, and it’s all they had. A thousand miles over the week, left some distinct impressions…

  • There is (almost) nothing distinctive about this car.  Generic American small car styling, free of the gratuitous swoops and gaping maws and bumperettes in the middle of the grill, like the Japanese and Korean sedans.  Also absent: gratuitous hood strakes .(See Chrysler Sebring/ Crossfire/Aspen). The grill and lights have been tweaked to try and erase the memory of the last Sebring, and to invoke the 300.  No one will confuse you with Heisenberg.  Not ever. The taillights?  I kinda liked those.
Chrysler Sebring
It gets better
  • Inside, monotone black blecch.  The fabric/plastics were OK for a $20K car.  Nothing special.  The dash was a salute to milquetoast.  There were shiny rings around the gauges and bezels around each component pod, but nothing except “Chrysler” badges  and radio fonts said “this is a Chrysler.”
Chrysler 200
Same offroad skills as a Jeep Compass
  • It’s invisible.  No one paid any attention to it.  Not cops.  Not gang bangers. Not anyone in between.  And you thought Chevy Impalas were invisible.  This is exactly the opposite of what to expect:

Roger the Car Salesman: My name’s Roger, Sir. May I be of some help? Memphis: That’s funny, my name’s Roger… Two Rogers don’t make a right. [laughs] Memphis: Roger, I have a problem… Roger the Car Salesman: Yes? Memphis: I’ve been in L.A. Motown. for three months now. I have money, I have taste. But I’m not on anybody’s “A” list, and Saturday night is the loneliest night for the week for me. Roger the Car Salesman: Well, a Ferrari Chrysler would certainly change that. Memphis: Perhaps, Mmmm. But, you know, this is the one. Yes, yes yes… I saw three of these parked outside the local Starbucks White Castle this morning, which tells me only one thing. There’s too many self-indulgent wieners in this city with too much bloody money! Now, if I were driving a red 2013 200 4 cyl… Roger the Car Salesman: You would not be a self-indulgent wiener, sir… You’d be a connoisseur. Memphis: Precisely. Champagne Stroh’s would fall from the heavens. Doors would open. Legs Velvet ropes would part.

Chrysler 200
It actually scared away hookers
Chrysler 200
Equally at home at the airport or a ruin porn shoot.
  • Dynamically, it was exactly what you would expect of a fat Neon with extra sound insulation.  I’m not an engineer.  One cool thing was the slapshifter automatic.  There were a number of times where I saw a cop and needed to scrub speed without telltale brakelights.  Yes, I had the Harry Potter invisibility cloak of a car, but still, I was an out-of-stater with no more get out of a ticket with traffic school cards to play.
Chrysler 200
Chrysler 200
Chrysler 200
Wait, what’s that?
Chrysler 200
It’s ME!!!
Chrysler 200
Blurry cops in the rearview on Stadium?  The more things change…

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